You won't get a divorce

 So, after all of this learning, are you still scared of getting married and starting a family?

I know that there will probably always be fear. The unknown is scary. Still, there might be a lot of "What if's" in your head. Let's talk about the "what if's" by addressing divorce. That has been a fear of mine. Would I choose the wrong spouse, different stressors like finances, incompatibility, tragedy etc.? Would this all just lead to a divorce, leaving me sad and helpless? After all, most marriages end in divorce now! I know, morbid.

Actually, divorce has lessened over the years significantly, and that whole "50% of marriages end in divorce" was incorrect the whole time! "Today, about 40% of marriages are projected to end in divorce, and most divorces are initiated by women. These stats are better than they used to be, but they also suggest that marriage is still riskier than many would like. But, even here, the statistics need not leave us hopeless about marriage. In fact, they can be a guide to what works for those whose marriages go the distance." (Wilcox)

So let's not think we're inevitably going to get a divorce when we get married, ok? Let's have hope! Here are some things I have seen that could help strengthen a relationship to where divorce isn't even on the table.

"Regular date nights: The National Marriage Project 2022 "State nights are nearly twice as likely to report they are very happy in their marriages compared to those who don’t make time to keep the spark alive. Couple quality time is also linked to markedly lower risks of divorce. So men who wish to keep their marriages strong and the risk of divorce low would be wise to set aside regular opportunities for romance." (Wilcox) I knew a couple who really prioritized date nights. They set boundaries with those they knew, so they knew not to bother them on Friday nights. That was their night. They knew the importance of spending time with each other through the hustle and bustle of their lives. They have a really solid relationship.

"Joint checking accounts: A recent Indiana University study showed that newly married couples who started out with joint checking accounts had a higher quality of relationship two years later than those newly marrieds who didn’t. Other research indicates that separate accounts increase your odds of divorce by 20%. Taking a “we-before-me” approach to money seems to increase your odds of going the distance."(Wilcox) I didn't expect this to be one of the factors, but doesn't it make sense? When you have separate things, such as a checking account, this promotes separation and the mindset that what's mine is mine. It becomes more of a roommate situation rather than an equally yoked married couple. The outcomes of these are drastically different. You don't find people who are equal partners get a divorce, but those couples who are basically roommates, yes. Very often.

"Community: Regular church attendance also reduces your risk of divorce by between 30% and 50%. That’s because husbands and wives who surround themselves with people who take marriage and family seriously do better. In fact, the most happily married people in America today share a common faith. If you can, connecting with a local church seems to offer significant returns in the quality and stability of your marriage" (Wilcox) I think one of the keys to a successful marriage is people. Just like this says, the people you surround yourself with have a deep impact on you. As a couple, I strongly recommend surrounding yourself with other couples who are striving to be together and positive people.

There are many ways to keep a marriage together. I want you to choose it. Decide to stay together. Often times, when you are on the fence with something, it becomes harder. Once you make an active decision, it is easier. Make the choice every day to stay with your spouse. I promise that not all marriages end in divorce and yours doesn't have to either. It is scary because it is unknown. I hope you take all that I have written about and take it to heart. You won't be unhappy. You will have a happy future with a great family and spouse. It won't be perfect, of course, but that's what makes it beautiful.